It makes me so sad to read through this post. I'm sorry you're going through this. My heart goes out to you and your family. I've lost a parent, not my only parent mind you, and I lost a brother to cancer at 36. I know that the emotion... And the sadness I can feel from this post.. Doesn't even begin to describe what's truly going on inside you...because sometimes there's just no way words can describe it.
In your last statement you had said "This home is forever tainted with what would turn out to be a memory of the most difficult thing I'll ever have to experience."
I know right now it feels that way...
I had those feelings myself at first... And for quite some time after to be honest.
But...over time... I no longer felt that way anymore...
The memories that would drop me to my knees in tears...changed to memories I could smile at...and laugh about...
You are a good son to be there for her. From what I've read you are doing an amazing job holding it together....don't put too much pressure on yourself. I'm not sure what the health care system is like there... But if there's any support...don't be ashamed...or afraid to take it.
My personal experiences aside...this is also what I do professionally for a living. If you have any questions at all....about anything....PM me.... It would be just between us of course.
Adam, I'm terribly sorry for what you're going through, and I'm sorry I didn't see this thread when you first posted it.
I can sympathize with you. For the past two years my mother has been incredibly ill, there were days we thought she was going to day, and days we hoped she would so she would be out of pain. Today though, she's on a road trip with my dad, feeling a better and better every day. Don't lose hope, things can miraculously turn around.
If she's on painkillers, ask a doctor if you can switch her to the natural alternative, if she won't smoke it, feed it to her, if it's illegal and she won't do it for that reason, MOVE her. Do everything in your power to help so at the very least, you know you did that much. If you have a god, pray, if you have doctors, find more. There has to be a solution.
DO NOT LOSE FAITH, things can change. Things can get better.
I love you, Adam. You've always been a good friend to me. Let me know if I can lend a hand. I don't have a phone number right now, but I just ordered a SIM card, so it'll be soon. Call me if you need me.
It's definitely been the most difficult thing I've ever had to face, or comprehend, and while I'm in a better emotional state than I was last week, it's still such a hard thing to grasp.
I brought her my iPad on Saturday so she could at least watch some good TV as I set it up with Netflix, Hulu+, and Plex (connects to my friends server with 2500+ movies and over 2000+ TV series), plus loaded up some apps that I think she would enjoy if she has the strength and/or curiosity about them.
She was more receptive to the difficult conversations about finances, and her final wishes on where she wants to be laid to rest, and we're going to do all we can to make sure she's as comfortable as possible through the rest of this. At least she was able to crochet and hold a conversation, albeit very weakly.
This all feels like such a bad dream, but it's one I'll never wake from. I'm not ready for this.
I assume you and your brother are close, so at least you aren't going through this alone. I haven't lost a parent and can't imagine how defeated I will be when that day does come, but I will have my brother and sister with me when it does happen and that will make it easier.
Sending love your way brother. I'm sorry you're having to go through this but keep your head up. She sounds like an exceptional woman who's taught you well.
I assume you and your brother are close, so at least you aren't going through this alone. I haven't lost a parent and can't imagine how defeated I will be when that day does come, but I will have my brother and sister with me when it does happen and that will make it easier.
Sort of. We don't hate each other, but growing up he aimed his anger towards me because of how our father was (I never really knew the guy, so I never really understood wtf his problem was until I was much older)
Originally posted by: Remedylane
So sorry to hear what you are going through Adam.. I have been EXACTLY where you are. If and when you need to talk, shoot me a PM.
Thanks Matt. It's been a long time since I've seen you post! Hope everything is going well with you!
Originally posted by: acidjaguar
Sending love your way brother. I'm sorry you're having to go through this but keep your head up. She sounds like an exceptional woman who's taught you well.
Thanks dude. She really is. She raised 2 obnoxious boys on her own and never once bitched about it or went on state help (with the exception of a few months when I was 2 or 3 years old). She wore the weight of the world on her shoulders gracefully.
Originally posted by: ZombieGuyGeezus
Keep your head up brother!
Trying to my man.
The toughest thing is knowing that some of these things are the final time I'll be doing these things. Like Mother's Day. I mean, I still have my grandmother (my moms mom), and no more joined birthdays (her birthday is 3 days before mine, and 3 days after my nieces), and I don't have someone to rely on in case of an emergency any longer.
When we had the meeting to discuss the future care of her last week, the doctor had told us it's incredibly difficult to tell how much the cancer is affecting her brain because of how my mom is. The doctor said "it's tough, because she's a very sharp woman who can paint a picture of detail, and can use medical terminology better than most people - it's only when she starts slipping on details from recent things, like within the last few hours, that we can start getting an idea on how much she's being affected, and even then, we don't know if it's because of the pain meds or the cancer".
I'm not sure if she thought she'd be bouncing back from this or not, because she didn't utter a word about it to anyone until this past week. All of her "I feel okay" and "I feel fine" was her just dealing with the pain, but now it's much worse and she can't hide it anymore.
Yesterday she teared up and said "You guys will be okay". I told her that we've always found our way, but that I'll always miss the fuck out of her.
Here's to hoping that her suffering ends soon. It's not a pretty sight, and I don't want to see her in pain anymore.
I'm sure today will be a challenge, and I wish you the best and hope today will be the best it can be for you, your mom, and your family.
I'm not sure if this is much consolation at all, but I just want you to know that your message here and the journey you've been sharing definitely means something. I am meeting my mom in a bit and having lunch, and I will definitely not take for granted our relationship, and give her the appreciation she really deserves. It is so easy for us to get frustrated and petty with little things that are unimportant, when we have so much to be thankful for.
I don't know you well and perhaps we are just strangers on the internet, but if there is anything you need, please let me know. We are all here for you!
It is with a heavy heart that I'm posting in here today.
On Mother's Day, we thought she had reached the end - she could barely move, barely speed, was in pain, it was a horrible sight to witness. The following day, though, you'd think she wasn't sick at all, and kept up like that until this past weekend.
She had been moved from the hospital to a nursing home a week after Mother's Day (it might've been 2 weeks), and once there, began eating like eating was going out of style, was talking up a storm, and worked up the energy to get out of bed, into a wheelchair, and go outside. She had picked up smoking again her last 2 or 3 weeks alive. I didn't mind, though, because the damage was already done, and if that's what she wanted to do, who am I to tell a dying woman what she can't do? So what'd I do? I lit one up and smoked with her, and shared stories for an hour with her, one of her best friends, and my fiance.
As my brother had said "she wasn't much, but she was ours", except she was much more than she appeared. She raised 2 boys by herself, working 3 jobs at once at times. She raised 2 boys who grew up without a father, in a shitty apartment, with no money. Her 2 boys bought houses, have good careers, and both have started their own businesses. She's taught us more than anyone we'll ever know, and if we had any doubts about her, her strength over the last year cast those doubts aside, because she went through this like a fucking champion.
On Sunday, my fiance and I stopped by to visit her, but she was sleeping...ish. On our way out, the nurse told us that she had taken a turn for the worst (not in so many words, and not with much compassion, either). Monday evening, we all went to visit her again. My brother and I sat in her room with her, by ourselves, as she rested. Her eyes couldn't open, she couldn't talk, but she could hear us. My brother started fumbling around, feeling her bed to look for her hand. Laughing, he says that he's trying to find it (while trying to fight back the tears), and mom whipped her hand from under the blanket and grabbed my hand.
When it was just me, I told her to not hold on for us, and if she was ready to go, she could do so without guilt.
Yesterday afternoon, her suffering had ended.
If there's anything anyone can do for me, it's for you to call your mom (or dad) and talk to them, catch up with them, let them know what's going on in your life and find out what's going on in theirs. That's something I can no longer do; and I would hate for anyone to miss an opportunity to have a good conversation with their family. I was fortunate that I had gotten a few extra weeks with her, but it doesn't stop the heartache and emptiness that filled my world.
When I see this topic get bumped my heart hurts knowing what the update might be. I'm sorry, man. I'm glad you and your brother were able to spend time with her and let her know how you felt before it ended. I talk to my parents a lot and I will never take it for granted.
I just want you to know how truly thankful I am for you sharing your journey here and reminding us all about what is really important. I admire the courage you've shown in sharing one of the most important and emotional events of your life here publicly with all of us. I feel like the intent of your story here has not been one of wanting pity or sorrow, but to help others focus on the things and people who matter, and to learn from your story to correctly frame our perspectives. You have accomplished that 10x over.
There is so much more I want to say to you, but just know for now that I am here for you - we are here for you.
I just want you to know how truly thankful I am for you sharing your journey here and reminding us all about what is really important. I admire the courage you've shown in sharing one of the most important and emotional events of your life here publicly with all of us. I feel like the intent of your story here has not been one of wanting pity or sorrow, but to help others focus on the things and people who matter, and to learn from your story to correctly frame our perspectives. You have accomplished that 10x over.
There is so much more I want to say to you, but just know for now that I am here for you - we are here for you.
That's exactly the reason, and while I'm sure most people realize that, it actually means a lot to see someone acknowledge that. Thank you.
Here's a quick story about this woman:
Each year for Christmas, one of her gifts that she gave me each year was a holiday tin full of assorted peanuts (honey roasted, cashews, pistaccios, etc). Each year, she would wrap it up, put it under her tree, and within a day, she would unwrap it, eat it, go buy a new tin, rewrap the gift, and put it under her tree. She did this 5 times one year lol
Well, last Sunday I had planned on bringing her a package of Oero's and Reece's Cups. I totally forgot them on my living room table, so when I went back this Sunday, I was just going to tell her that I ate them and had to buy them again, as she would've gotten a few grins out of that.
I'm just relieved to know that she's no longer suffering. She put up one hell of a fight and never once bitched about it or had any self wallowing. In sickness and in health, she was a teacher in ways most never would expect. Same with everyone's parents. There's always more than what appears to be there, ya know?
So sorry to hear this Adam. Saw this in the Kickstarter update as well and it really put life in perspective for me personally. Reaching out to my mother today.
On Mother's Day, we thought she had reached the end - she could barely move, barely speed, was in pain, it was a horrible sight to witness. The following day, though, you'd think she wasn't sick at all, and kept up like that until this past weekend.
My friend that passed away from liver disease had the same thing; I thought he was legitimately going to pull through that's how well he was doing. I read later that's part of the dying process, having that brief "rally period", and to use that for exactly what you and your brother used it for, to get some more quality time in with your dear mother.
She sounds absolutely legendary, and again my condolences to you guys.
On Mother's Day, we thought she had reached the end - she could barely move, barely speed, was in pain, it was a horrible sight to witness. The following day, though, you'd think she wasn't sick at all, and kept up like that until this past weekend.
My friend that passed away from liver disease had the same thing; I thought he was legitimately going to pull through that's how well he was doing. I read later that's part of the dying process, having that brief "rally period", and to use that for exactly what you and your brother used it for, to get some more quality time in with your dear mother.
She sounds absolutely legendary, and again my condolences to you guys.
I saw that happen to my 2 grandfathers and to one of my grandmothers. It seems to be a pretty normal occurence, and that should be used precisely for that. Spending quality time with your dear relative one last time.
Comments
In your last statement you had said "This home is forever tainted with what would turn out to be a memory of the most difficult thing I'll ever have to experience."
I know right now it feels that way...
I had those feelings myself at first... And for quite some time after to be honest.
But...over time... I no longer felt that way anymore...
The memories that would drop me to my knees in tears...changed to memories I could smile at...and laugh about...
You are a good son to be there for her. From what I've read you are doing an amazing job holding it together....don't put too much pressure on yourself. I'm not sure what the health care system is like there... But if there's any support...don't be ashamed...or afraid to take it.
My personal experiences aside...this is also what I do professionally for a living. If you have any questions at all....about anything....PM me.... It would be just between us of course.
Hang in there.
All my best, if you need anything, don't hesitate to ask.
If there is anything I can do, you know how to get in contact with me.
I can sympathize with you. For the past two years my mother has been incredibly ill, there were days we thought she was going to day, and days we hoped she would so she would be out of pain. Today though, she's on a road trip with my dad, feeling a better and better every day. Don't lose hope, things can miraculously turn around.
If she's on painkillers, ask a doctor if you can switch her to the natural alternative, if she won't smoke it, feed it to her, if it's illegal and she won't do it for that reason, MOVE her. Do everything in your power to help so at the very least, you know you did that much. If you have a god, pray, if you have doctors, find more. There has to be a solution.
DO NOT LOSE FAITH, things can change. Things can get better.
As others said, cherish the time you have left with her. Make the best of it.
We're here for you.
Originally posted by: dra600n
We never lost a parent, and we've never lived life without the only parent we knew.
It sucks, it really does.
Long painful battles against cancer or leukemia, are terrible.
I wish you and your brother to be brave, whatever happens.
Adam, I doubt that there is anything else I could do or say to make it better for you.
If there is, feel free to contact me, whenever you think so; if I can, I will.
I recently lost a parent, and some close relatives.
Highest respect for your pain, and sadness.
This is a very sad news to hear.
It's definitely been the most difficult thing I've ever had to face, or comprehend, and while I'm in a better emotional state than I was last week, it's still such a hard thing to grasp.
I brought her my iPad on Saturday so she could at least watch some good TV as I set it up with Netflix, Hulu+, and Plex (connects to my friends server with 2500+ movies and over 2000+ TV series), plus loaded up some apps that I think she would enjoy if she has the strength and/or curiosity about them.
She was more receptive to the difficult conversations about finances, and her final wishes on where she wants to be laid to rest, and we're going to do all we can to make sure she's as comfortable as possible through the rest of this. At least she was able to crochet and hold a conversation, albeit very weakly.
This all feels like such a bad dream, but it's one I'll never wake from. I'm not ready for this.
I too Appreciate a good mother
"Best Wishes", Travis
Originally posted by: Trevor
I assume you and your brother are close, so at least you aren't going through this alone. I haven't lost a parent and can't imagine how defeated I will be when that day does come, but I will have my brother and sister with me when it does happen and that will make it easier.
Sort of. We don't hate each other, but growing up he aimed his anger towards me because of how our father was (I never really knew the guy, so I never really understood wtf his problem was until I was much older)
Originally posted by: Remedylane
So sorry to hear what you are going through Adam.. I have been EXACTLY where you are. If and when you need to talk, shoot me a PM.
Thanks Matt. It's been a long time since I've seen you post! Hope everything is going well with you!
Originally posted by: acidjaguar
Sending love your way brother. I'm sorry you're having to go through this but keep your head up. She sounds like an exceptional woman who's taught you well.
Thanks dude. She really is. She raised 2 obnoxious boys on her own and never once bitched about it or went on state help (with the exception of a few months when I was 2 or 3 years old). She wore the weight of the world on her shoulders gracefully.
Originally posted by: ZombieGuyGeezus
Keep your head up brother!
Trying to my man.
The toughest thing is knowing that some of these things are the final time I'll be doing these things. Like Mother's Day. I mean, I still have my grandmother (my moms mom), and no more joined birthdays (her birthday is 3 days before mine, and 3 days after my nieces), and I don't have someone to rely on in case of an emergency any longer.
When we had the meeting to discuss the future care of her last week, the doctor had told us it's incredibly difficult to tell how much the cancer is affecting her brain because of how my mom is. The doctor said "it's tough, because she's a very sharp woman who can paint a picture of detail, and can use medical terminology better than most people - it's only when she starts slipping on details from recent things, like within the last few hours, that we can start getting an idea on how much she's being affected, and even then, we don't know if it's because of the pain meds or the cancer".
I'm not sure if she thought she'd be bouncing back from this or not, because she didn't utter a word about it to anyone until this past week. All of her "I feel okay" and "I feel fine" was her just dealing with the pain, but now it's much worse and she can't hide it anymore.
Yesterday she teared up and said "You guys will be okay". I told her that we've always found our way, but that I'll always miss the fuck out of her.
Here's to hoping that her suffering ends soon. It's not a pretty sight, and I don't want to see her in pain anymore.
I'm not sure if this is much consolation at all, but I just want you to know that your message here and the journey you've been sharing definitely means something. I am meeting my mom in a bit and having lunch, and I will definitely not take for granted our relationship, and give her the appreciation she really deserves. It is so easy for us to get frustrated and petty with little things that are unimportant, when we have so much to be thankful for.
I don't know you well and perhaps we are just strangers on the internet, but if there is anything you need, please let me know. We are all here for you!
On Mother's Day, we thought she had reached the end - she could barely move, barely speed, was in pain, it was a horrible sight to witness. The following day, though, you'd think she wasn't sick at all, and kept up like that until this past weekend.
She had been moved from the hospital to a nursing home a week after Mother's Day (it might've been 2 weeks), and once there, began eating like eating was going out of style, was talking up a storm, and worked up the energy to get out of bed, into a wheelchair, and go outside. She had picked up smoking again her last 2 or 3 weeks alive. I didn't mind, though, because the damage was already done, and if that's what she wanted to do, who am I to tell a dying woman what she can't do? So what'd I do? I lit one up and smoked with her, and shared stories for an hour with her, one of her best friends, and my fiance.
As my brother had said "she wasn't much, but she was ours", except she was much more than she appeared. She raised 2 boys by herself, working 3 jobs at once at times. She raised 2 boys who grew up without a father, in a shitty apartment, with no money. Her 2 boys bought houses, have good careers, and both have started their own businesses. She's taught us more than anyone we'll ever know, and if we had any doubts about her, her strength over the last year cast those doubts aside, because she went through this like a fucking champion.
On Sunday, my fiance and I stopped by to visit her, but she was sleeping...ish. On our way out, the nurse told us that she had taken a turn for the worst (not in so many words, and not with much compassion, either). Monday evening, we all went to visit her again. My brother and I sat in her room with her, by ourselves, as she rested. Her eyes couldn't open, she couldn't talk, but she could hear us. My brother started fumbling around, feeling her bed to look for her hand. Laughing, he says that he's trying to find it (while trying to fight back the tears), and mom whipped her hand from under the blanket and grabbed my hand.
When it was just me, I told her to not hold on for us, and if she was ready to go, she could do so without guilt.
Yesterday afternoon, her suffering had ended.
If there's anything anyone can do for me, it's for you to call your mom (or dad) and talk to them, catch up with them, let them know what's going on in your life and find out what's going on in theirs. That's something I can no longer do; and I would hate for anyone to miss an opportunity to have a good conversation with their family. I was fortunate that I had gotten a few extra weeks with her, but it doesn't stop the heartache and emptiness that filled my world.
I just want you to know how truly thankful I am for you sharing your journey here and reminding us all about what is really important. I admire the courage you've shown in sharing one of the most important and emotional events of your life here publicly with all of us. I feel like the intent of your story here has not been one of wanting pity or sorrow, but to help others focus on the things and people who matter, and to learn from your story to correctly frame our perspectives. You have accomplished that 10x over.
There is so much more I want to say to you, but just know for now that I am here for you - we are here for you.
Originally posted by: sadikyo
Adam,
I just want you to know how truly thankful I am for you sharing your journey here and reminding us all about what is really important. I admire the courage you've shown in sharing one of the most important and emotional events of your life here publicly with all of us. I feel like the intent of your story here has not been one of wanting pity or sorrow, but to help others focus on the things and people who matter, and to learn from your story to correctly frame our perspectives. You have accomplished that 10x over.
There is so much more I want to say to you, but just know for now that I am here for you - we are here for you.
That's exactly the reason, and while I'm sure most people realize that, it actually means a lot to see someone acknowledge that. Thank you.
Here's a quick story about this woman:
Each year for Christmas, one of her gifts that she gave me each year was a holiday tin full of assorted peanuts (honey roasted, cashews, pistaccios, etc). Each year, she would wrap it up, put it under her tree, and within a day, she would unwrap it, eat it, go buy a new tin, rewrap the gift, and put it under her tree. She did this 5 times one year lol
Well, last Sunday I had planned on bringing her a package of Oero's and Reece's Cups. I totally forgot them on my living room table, so when I went back this Sunday, I was just going to tell her that I ate them and had to buy them again, as she would've gotten a few grins out of that.
I'm just relieved to know that she's no longer suffering. She put up one hell of a fight and never once bitched about it or had any self wallowing. In sickness and in health, she was a teacher in ways most never would expect. Same with everyone's parents. There's always more than what appears to be there, ya know?
My thoughts will be with you and your family.
On Mother's Day, we thought she had reached the end - she could barely move, barely speed, was in pain, it was a horrible sight to witness. The following day, though, you'd think she wasn't sick at all, and kept up like that until this past weekend.
My friend that passed away from liver disease had the same thing; I thought he was legitimately going to pull through that's how well he was doing. I read later that's part of the dying process, having that brief "rally period", and to use that for exactly what you and your brother used it for, to get some more quality time in with your dear mother.
She sounds absolutely legendary, and again my condolences to you guys.
On Mother's Day, we thought she had reached the end - she could barely move, barely speed, was in pain, it was a horrible sight to witness. The following day, though, you'd think she wasn't sick at all, and kept up like that until this past weekend.
My friend that passed away from liver disease had the same thing; I thought he was legitimately going to pull through that's how well he was doing. I read later that's part of the dying process, having that brief "rally period", and to use that for exactly what you and your brother used it for, to get some more quality time in with your dear mother.
She sounds absolutely legendary, and again my condolences to you guys.
I saw that happen to my 2 grandfathers and to one of my grandmothers. It seems to be a pretty normal occurence, and that should be used precisely for that. Spending quality time with your dear relative one last time.