I saw it too with my grandma and her dementia. The last Christmas dad brought her over she genuinely seemed to remember my name for a minute, although she could have just been mimicing my mom, but for that one moment it was like the last 3 years hadn't happened. We lost her 2 months later. It's like a clarity returns even for a short while and the body rallies as if trying to give everyone a little extra time together.
I saw it too with my grandma and her dementia. The last Christmas dad brought her over she genuinely seemed to remember my name for a minute, although she could have just been mimicing my mom, but for that one moment it was like the last 3 years hadn't happened. We lost her 2 months later. It's like a clarity returns even for a short while and the body rallies as if trying to give everyone a little extra time together.
Dementia is terrible. I have no words to describe how soul killing is to see a loved one wither away, losing every thing that makes them themselves slowly.
My great mother from my mum's side had it, then my grand mother from my mum's side and now mum herself has confirmed onset dementia. It will be a long, dragged battle and I can only hope to be strong enough to face it.
I will have to move back to my parent's city to help dad take care of her by next year.
I'm terribly sorry to hear the news Adam. I'm sure you feel thankful that you were afforded the opportunity for time together and for a proper goodbye, and I hope that brings some peace to you in your time of grieving.
Echoing what Sadikyo said, your message to appreciate and hold your loved ones close while the opportunity exists rings loud and clear to those reading this thread.
I was heartbroken for you Adam when you told us. Between my fiance losing her dad 2 years ago to lung fibrosis and now seeing what you went through, it really opened up my eyes.
This past year i have been trying real hard to make a huge effort to spend time with my parents, every weekend. And quality time, no talk of bills, or arguing, or any of the nonsense that doesn't matter.
My dad is really sick with Crohns and all the meds he is on are terrible for you and cause cancer. I am terrified of the inevitable day that he is going to turn for the worst.
Your mom sounds like a wonderful person and she will always be with you in the ways she shaped you to be the person you are.......
It goes without saying, we are all here for you. And your message did not fall on deaf ears, and i am sure i speak for a lot of us when i saw we appreciate the reminder.
I've been a member on NA for just over 1 month, but after having read this thread for the first time, I feel compelled to respond to it.
First up, to Adam, my condolences! Your grieving and strength in times of hardship is a mighty fine effort! You have done your mother proud, and has helped us members to keep a real life perspective and not get too carried away from materialistic objects (such as carts, boxes and manuals). Your relaying of events throughout the thread is very touching and inspiring. Hope it carries on throughout the paths of life, and may your mother shine a light for you through whichever paths you steer towards.
I've gone through hardships myself with my grandmother having recently passed away 4 months ago. She was the ripe old age of 96, so a lot of people's reactions were like "that's a good number!" or "she had a fair lengthy life". But to me and the rest of the immediate family, we just wanted her to be with us for as long as we can. My grandmother was tough battler, weighing roughly 30-34kg for the past 5 years or so, and having had 3 strokes during this period. Her 2nd stroke had rendered her left side essentially immobile and made her bedbound, 4 years ago. A year later, her 3rd stroke affected her other right side with additional swallowing problems. She was able to communicate with few words but due to her poor swallowing, she needed to be inserted a PEG tube, which was a feeding tube implanted directly inside her stomach. So essentially in the last 3 years, my grandmother was bedbound, only able to move around 20% of her right arm/leg, and being fed through a feeding tube.
It was a sad day when she finally decided to give up on the act of breathing, but the whole family was subconsciously all prepared for this day to occur. It was tough on all of us, as we took turns doing the feeding/cleaning/checking on her blood pressures etc. The thing that I've taken out of the ordeal, is that life is truly precious. You only got one life to live, so live as though you'd make your deceased loved ones to be proud of. Visit/communicate with your family often, because in times of need, only family can truly be there for you.
Kudos to all involved in this thread, for the level of support and maturity displayed!
Thanks for the support, everyone. It wasn't something I was looking to get, but I am incredibly grateful for it, especially to those members who shared their sorrows of the past, and present with me through PM. If I hadn't responded - it's just because I've been trying to stay off here and keep myself occupied.
The last week has been fantastic weather - 80's+ all week. I can still hear her raspy voice saying "it's tooo fuckkin hot!". Her funeral is today, and wouldn't ya know, it's overcast and won't get higher than the low 70's today - her favorite kind of weather (as long as it's not raining).
I look at her obituary every morning on Legacy.com, and just look at her picture. This past weekend my brother and I moved the remaining furniture out of her apartment and brought the things I was inheriting back home. I was initially going to take her entertainment center since it's better than what I have currently, but it weighed too much, there wasn't room in my brothers truck, and it wouldn't fit in my car, but I did take her dry sink. It's not in its final location just yet (it'll be moved over about 4 feet from where it current resides), but it's a nice piece of furniture (not the best quality, feels like plywood and maybe weighs 20 - 30 lbs) and fits well with the other items she's given me over the last 8 years of living in this house.
I hadn't checked my mail for a few days until Sunday, when we moved the furniture here (dry sink, kitchen table, chairs, wooden chests, and some other misc items and bird feeders), so after I got the dry sink upstairs and everything else in the basement, I checked my mail and saw the fiance and I had received some sympathy cards. Without realizing it, I had placed them on the dry sink. 10 minutes later I look over at it and it felt just like being back at moms. It's where she put her birthday and holiday cards she'd get each year.
I use to go against the grain when people would say that I act like her and look so very much like her, being #individualism, or whatever, but now I embrace it. If others can catch a glimpse of her through me and my actions, and it brings a smile to their face, that's all that matters now.
Going back to 2002-2003 time, I was dating this chick (we'll call her Piggy, as that's the nickname my brother gave her after he heard us banging - apparently I made her squeal like an oinker). She wasn't over at the time, so it was me, my brother, and my mom watching Shallow Hal (which, the mention of "cankles" would send her into fits so bad she'd barely be able to breathe - it was incredibly funny watching her crack up like that). So Piggy calls me, and when I answered, I had a frog in my throat and when I answered "hey", it came out "heyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy".
Mom looks over at me and starts laughing. I said "what's so funny?" she goes "I'm trying to figure out who the girlfriend in the relationship is after that very womanly greeting".
Another time, I had this chick over that I had been working very hard to get into bed. It was about to happen, until my mom made an appearance. She introduced herself as such:
"Hi, I'm Adam's mom"
girl: "Hi, I'm..."
mom: "It doesn't matter, there's so many of you I won't remember your name or see you again"
Needless to say, mom cock blocked me.
Oh that woman. She trolled harder than anyone I knew, and didn't even try.
Hey Friend, I missed this last week, I am so sorry, your stories in the first post and last post brought a tear to my eye. I work in an assisted living facility and see people losing loved ones all the time and hearing the way you feel about your mom is truly an inspiration for anyone with a strained relationship to mend the fence sooner rather than later. My mom went through surgery to remove some cancer from her lung a few years ago and is doing ok now but it made me appreciate her more now than i did before. Hope your keeping your head up pal and have a good day today for the holiday
Hey Friend, I missed this last week, I am so sorry, your stories in the first post and last post brought a tear to my eye. I work in an assisted living facility and see people losing loved ones all the time and hearing the way you feel about your mom is truly an inspiration for anyone with a strained relationship to mend the fence sooner rather than later. My mom went through surgery to remove some cancer from her lung a few years ago and is doing ok now but it made me appreciate her more now than i did before. Hope your keeping your head up pal and have a good day today for the holiday
Thank you. I have to give you credit - working in these facilities isn't easy. Hell, even visiting is incredibly depressing, so for someone to wake up and prepare for a job in these places takes a lot. Not just the depressing aspect, but also the mixed emotions that people have during times like these (anger, rage, confusion, etc).
I'm doing as best as I can. Some days are easier than others. I have her Legacy.com obituary opened on a tab (and bookmarked) and I look at it daily. Sometimes I'll put on the song she wanted played at her funeral (Spirit in the Sky), and just think about the past.
The one thing that crushed my mom was her finding out the only options we had left was to file bankrupcy for her, which meant my brother and I would get nothing from her life insurance and benefits, as her short term disability was about to run out and her employment status was about to be changed from active to inactive.
What she doesn't know is that she passed away before Title 19 could be filed, and before her employment status changed, so her life insurance, 401k, 403b, and pension aren't being taken by the state and will be fulfilled as she had wished (except the pension, which goes to my grandmother since that's who mom had as her beneficiary). Honestly, though, even though my brother and I are getting the money, I would trade it all for another day with her.
My brother said the day she past "she wasn't much, but she was ours". My response was:
"Materialistically? She wasn't much. Look beneath the layers, and she was so much more. She taught us how to manage our money, she taught us the difference between right and wrong, she was there to support literally every decision we made and helped pay for a lot of things for us. She taught us to love and care, she taught us how to become who we are. Nothing in the world can do the things that she did for us, and even though we're far from rich or wealthy, we have a lifetime of knowledge instilled in us because of her"
It was nearly 20 years since my brother and I hugged, and at that moment, we shared our appreciation with each other for the woman we looked up to so fondly. A life taken too soon, and maybe things could've been different if we pushed her and the doctors a little harder, but we can't change that, and at the end of the day, if the outcome remainded the same, we would've put unnecessary stress on our relationship with her.
Comments
I saw it too with my grandma and her dementia. The last Christmas dad brought her over she genuinely seemed to remember my name for a minute, although she could have just been mimicing my mom, but for that one moment it was like the last 3 years hadn't happened. We lost her 2 months later. It's like a clarity returns even for a short while and the body rallies as if trying to give everyone a little extra time together.
Dementia is terrible. I have no words to describe how soul killing is to see a loved one wither away, losing every thing that makes them themselves slowly.
My great mother from my mum's side had it, then my grand mother from my mum's side and now mum herself has confirmed onset dementia. It will be a long, dragged battle and I can only hope to be strong enough to face it.
I will have to move back to my parent's city to help dad take care of her by next year.
Echoing what Sadikyo said, your message to appreciate and hold your loved ones close while the opportunity exists rings loud and clear to those reading this thread.
It was heartbreaking reading through it. I wish you the best
And also just to let you know I just called my father and had a long conversation with him
This past year i have been trying real hard to make a huge effort to spend time with my parents, every weekend. And quality time, no talk of bills, or arguing, or any of the nonsense that doesn't matter.
My dad is really sick with Crohns and all the meds he is on are terrible for you and cause cancer. I am terrified of the inevitable day that he is going to turn for the worst.
Your mom sounds like a wonderful person and she will always be with you in the ways she shaped you to be the person you are.......
It goes without saying, we are all here for you. And your message did not fall on deaf ears, and i am sure i speak for a lot of us when i saw we appreciate the reminder.
First up, to Adam, my condolences! Your grieving and strength in times of hardship is a mighty fine effort! You have done your mother proud, and has helped us members to keep a real life perspective and not get too carried away from materialistic objects (such as carts, boxes and manuals). Your relaying of events throughout the thread is very touching and inspiring. Hope it carries on throughout the paths of life, and may your mother shine a light for you through whichever paths you steer towards.
I've gone through hardships myself with my grandmother having recently passed away 4 months ago. She was the ripe old age of 96, so a lot of people's reactions were like "that's a good number!" or "she had a fair lengthy life". But to me and the rest of the immediate family, we just wanted her to be with us for as long as we can. My grandmother was tough battler, weighing roughly 30-34kg for the past 5 years or so, and having had 3 strokes during this period. Her 2nd stroke had rendered her left side essentially immobile and made her bedbound, 4 years ago. A year later, her 3rd stroke affected her other right side with additional swallowing problems. She was able to communicate with few words but due to her poor swallowing, she needed to be inserted a PEG tube, which was a feeding tube implanted directly inside her stomach. So essentially in the last 3 years, my grandmother was bedbound, only able to move around 20% of her right arm/leg, and being fed through a feeding tube.
It was a sad day when she finally decided to give up on the act of breathing, but the whole family was subconsciously all prepared for this day to occur. It was tough on all of us, as we took turns doing the feeding/cleaning/checking on her blood pressures etc. The thing that I've taken out of the ordeal, is that life is truly precious. You only got one life to live, so live as though you'd make your deceased loved ones to be proud of. Visit/communicate with your family often, because in times of need, only family can truly be there for you.
Kudos to all involved in this thread, for the level of support and maturity displayed!
The last week has been fantastic weather - 80's+ all week. I can still hear her raspy voice saying "it's tooo fuckkin hot!". Her funeral is today, and wouldn't ya know, it's overcast and won't get higher than the low 70's today - her favorite kind of weather (as long as it's not raining).
I look at her obituary every morning on Legacy.com, and just look at her picture. This past weekend my brother and I moved the remaining furniture out of her apartment and brought the things I was inheriting back home. I was initially going to take her entertainment center since it's better than what I have currently, but it weighed too much, there wasn't room in my brothers truck, and it wouldn't fit in my car, but I did take her dry sink. It's not in its final location just yet (it'll be moved over about 4 feet from where it current resides), but it's a nice piece of furniture (not the best quality, feels like plywood and maybe weighs 20 - 30 lbs) and fits well with the other items she's given me over the last 8 years of living in this house.
I hadn't checked my mail for a few days until Sunday, when we moved the furniture here (dry sink, kitchen table, chairs, wooden chests, and some other misc items and bird feeders), so after I got the dry sink upstairs and everything else in the basement, I checked my mail and saw the fiance and I had received some sympathy cards. Without realizing it, I had placed them on the dry sink. 10 minutes later I look over at it and it felt just like being back at moms. It's where she put her birthday and holiday cards she'd get each year.
I use to go against the grain when people would say that I act like her and look so very much like her, being #individualism, or whatever, but now I embrace it. If others can catch a glimpse of her through me and my actions, and it brings a smile to their face, that's all that matters now.
Going back to 2002-2003 time, I was dating this chick (we'll call her Piggy, as that's the nickname my brother gave her after he heard us banging - apparently I made her squeal like an oinker). She wasn't over at the time, so it was me, my brother, and my mom watching Shallow Hal (which, the mention of "cankles" would send her into fits so bad she'd barely be able to breathe - it was incredibly funny watching her crack up like that). So Piggy calls me, and when I answered, I had a frog in my throat and when I answered "hey", it came out "heyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy".
Mom looks over at me and starts laughing. I said "what's so funny?" she goes "I'm trying to figure out who the girlfriend in the relationship is after that very womanly greeting".
Another time, I had this chick over that I had been working very hard to get into bed. It was about to happen, until my mom made an appearance. She introduced herself as such:
"Hi, I'm Adam's mom"
girl: "Hi, I'm..."
mom: "It doesn't matter, there's so many of you I won't remember your name or see you again"
Needless to say, mom cock blocked me.
Oh that woman. She trolled harder than anyone I knew, and didn't even try.
Originally posted by: TWarwick07
Hey Friend, I missed this last week, I am so sorry, your stories in the first post and last post brought a tear to my eye. I work in an assisted living facility and see people losing loved ones all the time and hearing the way you feel about your mom is truly an inspiration for anyone with a strained relationship to mend the fence sooner rather than later. My mom went through surgery to remove some cancer from her lung a few years ago and is doing ok now but it made me appreciate her more now than i did before. Hope your keeping your head up pal and have a good day today for the holiday
Thank you. I have to give you credit - working in these facilities isn't easy. Hell, even visiting is incredibly depressing, so for someone to wake up and prepare for a job in these places takes a lot. Not just the depressing aspect, but also the mixed emotions that people have during times like these (anger, rage, confusion, etc).
I'm doing as best as I can. Some days are easier than others. I have her Legacy.com obituary opened on a tab (and bookmarked) and I look at it daily. Sometimes I'll put on the song she wanted played at her funeral (Spirit in the Sky), and just think about the past.
The one thing that crushed my mom was her finding out the only options we had left was to file bankrupcy for her, which meant my brother and I would get nothing from her life insurance and benefits, as her short term disability was about to run out and her employment status was about to be changed from active to inactive.
What she doesn't know is that she passed away before Title 19 could be filed, and before her employment status changed, so her life insurance, 401k, 403b, and pension aren't being taken by the state and will be fulfilled as she had wished (except the pension, which goes to my grandmother since that's who mom had as her beneficiary). Honestly, though, even though my brother and I are getting the money, I would trade it all for another day with her.
My brother said the day she past "she wasn't much, but she was ours". My response was:
"Materialistically? She wasn't much. Look beneath the layers, and she was so much more. She taught us how to manage our money, she taught us the difference between right and wrong, she was there to support literally every decision we made and helped pay for a lot of things for us. She taught us to love and care, she taught us how to become who we are. Nothing in the world can do the things that she did for us, and even though we're far from rich or wealthy, we have a lifetime of knowledge instilled in us because of her"
It was nearly 20 years since my brother and I hugged, and at that moment, we shared our appreciation with each other for the woman we looked up to so fondly. A life taken too soon, and maybe things could've been different if we pushed her and the doctors a little harder, but we can't change that, and at the end of the day, if the outcome remainded the same, we would've put unnecessary stress on our relationship with her.