An appreciation of mothers
Some of you here know the situation I've recently been tossed into, and there's a lot to be said, but I'll keep it as short as I can.
A little over 2 weeks ago, my family had learned that my mother has lung cancer. During her routine endoscopy, she didn't come out of her anesthesia for over 2 hours due to the condition of her lungs. She ended up staying in the hospital for almost a week due to low blood pressure, pneumonia, and a blood infection. Very grim times, even though she felt fine, felt zero pain, and the only indication was her slight cough and her difficulty breathing over the summer.
She had quit smoking at the beginning of summer due to the complications and she had had enough of smoking in general.
She had her first visit after her endoscopy with the doctors this week - and while the cancer is never a good thing, we are fortunate to learn that the cancer hasn't spread, and they believe they'll be able to surgically remove the tumor (which is blocking a good portion of her airway in her lung), and expected to make a full recovery.
I am fortunate that my mom has the highest chance of survival, though we're not out of the water yet.
Last Friday, after I got home from work, I wrote an email to her (she was still in the hospital). The email was a "farewell" letter, which is the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. It's not easy to find the words you want to say to someone that is about to leave your life forever, without a chance of reunion. The letter was about how much I appreciate everything she's ever done throughout my life - the support she's given me on my many endeavors and adventures, and how I appreciate everything she's ever done for my brother and I.
You see, my mom raised my brother and I by herself, working at times 3 jobs just to make sure we had some food on the table and a roof over our head. All of our toys were handed down by previous generations of family children, or handed down from aunts and uncles as we got older. Her will and strength had been instilled in us (me and my bro) early on, and she always encouraged us to follow our hearts and use our minds. She also showed us how to mourn over lost family members, though that lesson wouldn't sink in until the events of recent times.
I guess the point is, don't take your family and friends for granted, as the more we age, the less likely some of these people will be alive in our lives.
If your mother is still around today, tell her that you love her. If your mother isn't around today, maybe share a favorite memory of her and keep her living on in your thoughts.
I want to extend a big thank you to some of the members here who have done nothing but help me through this time - sure, I may have made it out just fine without you guys, but you definitely helped me remain calm and rational (mostly) in the last few weeks.
A little over 2 weeks ago, my family had learned that my mother has lung cancer. During her routine endoscopy, she didn't come out of her anesthesia for over 2 hours due to the condition of her lungs. She ended up staying in the hospital for almost a week due to low blood pressure, pneumonia, and a blood infection. Very grim times, even though she felt fine, felt zero pain, and the only indication was her slight cough and her difficulty breathing over the summer.
She had quit smoking at the beginning of summer due to the complications and she had had enough of smoking in general.
She had her first visit after her endoscopy with the doctors this week - and while the cancer is never a good thing, we are fortunate to learn that the cancer hasn't spread, and they believe they'll be able to surgically remove the tumor (which is blocking a good portion of her airway in her lung), and expected to make a full recovery.
I am fortunate that my mom has the highest chance of survival, though we're not out of the water yet.
Last Friday, after I got home from work, I wrote an email to her (she was still in the hospital). The email was a "farewell" letter, which is the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. It's not easy to find the words you want to say to someone that is about to leave your life forever, without a chance of reunion. The letter was about how much I appreciate everything she's ever done throughout my life - the support she's given me on my many endeavors and adventures, and how I appreciate everything she's ever done for my brother and I.
You see, my mom raised my brother and I by herself, working at times 3 jobs just to make sure we had some food on the table and a roof over our head. All of our toys were handed down by previous generations of family children, or handed down from aunts and uncles as we got older. Her will and strength had been instilled in us (me and my bro) early on, and she always encouraged us to follow our hearts and use our minds. She also showed us how to mourn over lost family members, though that lesson wouldn't sink in until the events of recent times.
I guess the point is, don't take your family and friends for granted, as the more we age, the less likely some of these people will be alive in our lives.
If your mother is still around today, tell her that you love her. If your mother isn't around today, maybe share a favorite memory of her and keep her living on in your thoughts.
I want to extend a big thank you to some of the members here who have done nothing but help me through this time - sure, I may have made it out just fine without you guys, but you definitely helped me remain calm and rational (mostly) in the last few weeks.
Comments
Thanks for sharing your situation. I wish your mom and your family the best. I have experienced loss, but thankfully not that of a patent. I will take your advice and tell my mom how much I appreciate her today. Thank you for the reminder to not take each and every day for granted.
It's encouraging to hear that the doctors expect her to make a full recovery. It's funny, no matter how much your mom means to you it never feels like she gets enough credit. Maybe it's because as we get older, the sacrifices she made become more and more clear.
I know your mom is going to be just fine, man. If she's half as strong as your post suggests, cancer doesn't stand a chance.
I appreciate the reminder because it is so easy to forget and take people for granted.
Your mom is gonna beat this. I just know it.
But your mum can pull through this, specially with her kids showing her that she raised them right. That is the kind of strength and encouragement she needs at this point.
My thoughts will be with her and your family.
I didn't intend this thread to be a sympathy thread (we all have endured pain, mine isn't any different or unique), but one to let people know that tomorrow may not be here for some of us, and to not take your time with those you care about for granted. I know everyone knows that, and I'm sure most people cherish the time they have, but this was more for a reminder that serious things can happen without a moments notice.
When I was 15, my grandfather was diagnosed with colon cancer. He lived with my grandmother, and they both lived a 3 minute walking distance away, on the cul-de-sac one street up from us. The night he passed, we had all planned on being there to say our goodbyes to him, and start the mourning process. Instead of walking over when my mom called, I went outside to play basketball (it was dark, so it was just me out there without the neighborhood kids). I played for what seemed like an eternity, until I took the basketball and hucked it at the hoop as hard as I could, breaking a piece of the backboard off (it was about 6 years old at that point, and weathered). I walked over, hoping I wasn't too late. I was. When I walked in, he was laying in his bed, at peace finally after months of suffering. I never took the opportunity to tell him how much I idolized him, as he was always there for us - he took the role of the father during cub scouts and boyscouts, he was there at our baseball games, and he was there for any event, no matter how big or small, for all of his grandchildren. Of course, he wasn't perfect by any standard and had plenty of issues of his own, but he wasn't a bad guy in any regard, and he's missed daily by his family. And even though our family suffered a tremendous tragedy in 1984 (his daughter was the final victim of a serial killer, I was a year and a half old, and also my first memories), this was my first time having to deal with the loss of anyone. It was tough for me back then, and it doesn't get any easier - you just start to understand it more, the whole picture.
I am sad to learn that so many of you have gone through this (or similar). Cancer is not fun in any manner; you feel hopeless because all you can do is try to be positive, and you want the person in question to remain in the highest of spirits as possible. It's difficult for everyone.
One of my fondest memories of my mom is the night the 3 of us (her, me, and my brother) were watching Shallow Hal on the tele-box. The part came up where Hal mentions a woman has cankles, and my mom went into hysterics. We all started laughing, and the more we said the word "cankle", the harder she started laughing. We got her going to good that she could barely breathe and almost fell off the cough laughing. Ahh fun times. It's one of the few memories of all 3 of us together with pure raw laughter and good times.
She goes in for same day surgery the day before Thanksgiving to have her lymph nodes tested to ensure the cancer hasn't spread, and the treatment options and plan of attack will be given to her (such as if she'll need chemo if the cancer did spread, or just to shrink the tumor, or if it'll just be surgery). Things are looking good, and she's in incredibly high spirits (though she's still grounded with the reality that it could be worse than is suspected).
Again, thank you all for the kind words, understanding, and allowing me to share my experience - it means more than I can describe.
A few weeks ago, my mom was in the hospital for over a week due to complications with her chemo and radiation. She's nearing the end of her sound round of chemo (and first round of radiation), and while she says she feels fine aside from the tiredness, she looks like she's losing the battle. Her legs aren't bigger than my biceps, and she can barely walk. It was difficult watching her today, especially knowing that this may be one of the last times I see her as giddy as she was. I think she's putting up a front so she doesn't worry about the rest of the family - she didn't tell me she was in the hospital until almost a week after she was admitted.
It's tough - it really is. I don't know what to do... I'm beyond helpless.
My Mom is the most important person in my life and she really did her job well to set me and my siblings up. She busted her ass going to school, taking care of my older brother and working multiple jobs because my Dad wasn't done being a kid yet and fucking around.
She set us all up to succeed in life and I owe her everything for that.....I can't even imagine what it would be like to go through what you are going through Adam, be strong as fuck buddy.
So hopefully the scans bring you better news and she starts to regain her old self once the effects wear off some...
Chemo is really rough on one's body, so her outside appearance might be far more grin than her situation is.
Be there for her and best of luck. You and her are on my thoughts.
Posting an update, as depressing as it may be.
A few weeks ago, my mom was in the hospital for over a week due to complications with her chemo and radiation. She's nearing the end of her sound round of chemo (and first round of radiation), and while she says she feels fine aside from the tiredness, she looks like she's losing the battle. Her legs aren't bigger than my biceps, and she can barely walk. It was difficult watching her today, especially knowing that this may be one of the last times I see her as giddy as she was. I think she's putting up a front so she doesn't worry about the rest of the family - she didn't tell me she was in the hospital until almost a week after she was admitted.
It's tough - it really is. I don't know what to do... I'm beyond helpless.
A lot of the weight loss is going to be due to her appetite being wrecked by the chemo and how crappy it makes her feel.
I know with my dad's latest round of chemo, he was glad to have about 15 extra pounds on him, going into it, so this was less of a concern.
Knowing what you dabble in recreationally, you might want to get her some edibles, or something just to get the calories into her.
(and get her drinking Ensure shakes, or whatever, as snacks or as her beverage with meals -- again, to stuff the calories into her)
While it might look like she's losing the battle, she may not be. Everybody reacts to chemo and radiation differently; the true test of if it's working will be the follow up scans to check for tumor shrinkage and lack of spreading.
So hopefully the scans bring you better news and she starts to regain her old self once the effects wear off some...
Well, here's the thing - this is her second treatment round of chemo, doubled in with radiation 5 times a week. After her first chemo treatment, the tumor didn't shrink at all - it didn't grow either, but the fact that it didn't shrink sort of speaks for itself. There's some hope with this second round of treatment, but as much as I hate to say it, I don't think it's going to be a positive outcome.
2 of my aunts had cancer, and my grandfather as well. One aunt had breast cancer, the other ovarian, and my grandfather had colon cancer. Both aunts survived and their cancer is in remission (one has been in remission for over 20 years, the other about 3 or 4 years now, I think). My grandfather went downhill pretty quickly, and he was done within 5 or so months if I recall right (then again, because I was young, my family may not have told me until it was closer to the end), and my mom seems to be progressing in the same manner. Hell, I saw her 2 weeks ago and she looked legit normal (I know it sounds bad that I haven't seen her in 2 weeks, but the rest of the family has been able to assist, and she's been sleeping a lot). Yesterday was an eye opener for sure. Even though she says she feels normal and fine (aside from the lack of appetite and tiredness), it's hard to really tell as she's incredibly stubborn.
Knowing what you dabble in recreationally, you might want to get her some edibles, or something just to get the calories into her.
(and get her drinking Ensure shakes, or whatever, as snacks or as her beverage with meals -- again, to stuff the calories into her)
It's funny - I can legit get anything a person can think of, but I don't know one person where I can get edibles. I'm not sure she'd even eat them, anyway. She's pretty stubborn, even when sick. She'll tell us that she cried at the doctors a few times during all of this, but will not let any one of us see her other than happy/normal and doing well.
And thanks for the support everyone.
When my mom was going through chemo, she was optimistic the first few rounds, but then her personality / outlook / attitude quickly changed, and each round became harder, she became weaker, etc. I think one of the important things is to keep your mom's spirits high -- if she feels like there is something worth living / fighting for, her body will be more willing to put up a fight. It sounds silly, I know, but I think there is some truth in it.
I hope things work out for the best mate, and if you just feel like ranting or what not, I am only a pm away.
While it might look like she's losing the battle, she may not be. Everybody reacts to chemo and radiation differently; the true test of if it's working will be the follow up scans to check for tumor shrinkage and lack of spreading.
So hopefully the scans bring you better news and she starts to regain her old self once the effects wear off some...
Well, here's the thing - this is her second treatment round of chemo, doubled in with radiation 5 times a week. After her first chemo treatment, the tumor didn't shrink at all - it didn't grow either, but the fact that it didn't shrink sort of speaks for itself. There's some hope with this second round of treatment, but as much as I hate to say it, I don't think it's going to be a positive outcome.
Oh.
Please, don't message me about this situation, at least not right now - it's already difficult enough for me and I'm doing my best to keep it together, if you can call whatever this is "keeping it together".
Yesterday afternoon, I received a call from my grandmother basically saying "get to your moms as fast as possible". My mom had fallen, which normally wouldn't be a HUGE issue, but she was disoriented and didn't even know who I was when I had gotten there. She was also in pain all over. When she felt ready, I tried to get her up, at least into the recliner. I couldn't; the pain was way too much for her at that moment.
My grandmother suggested calling 911, but my mom wouldn't have it. She was delirious for a bit, but for a moment she looked at me and said "Adam, what do you think?" I said "I think we should get you to the hospital" and without hesitation, she said "okay".
The next few minutes she became delirious again (she wasn't hostile or acting confused, but more speaking gibberish and saying weird sentences like "when you were chewing outside"), but when the ambulance arrived, she started coming to, at least enough to give her name, age, and height.
At the emergency room, they took her vitals and drew blood, the typical routine stuff. She had a fever, and they did a CT scan on her.
She started feeling normal again, and was able to have a normal conversation. When anyone asked how she felt, she "feels fine, aside from the pain and weakness".
Her cancer had spread to her brain.
Last night was when it really hit that there is no coming back from this. I know I had said that I didn't think it was going to have a positive outcome, but it just didn't sink in fully, as there was still a sliver a hope.
When I found out, I called my brother (older) to let him know, and basically said "Don't fuck around - I honestly don't think we have many more chances to hold a conversation with her", and then he broke down. He says "What are we going to do? She's the only parent we have, and she's always known what to do. Do you know?" ... I had no response. I said the first thing that came to mind - "we'll do what we have to when we have to, that's just how we've always done it", but up until this point, we've always had an idea of what was to come. We never lost a parent, and we've never lived life without the only parent we knew.
It sucks, it really does. I won't be able to go over and have her get excited to show me the birds that show up to her bird feeder, or her latest home improvement project (she was always restoring old wooden furniture or repainting some room), and I won't get to hang out and chat while she's tending my yard (she seriously loves gardening and landscaping - she would call me every other day asking if she could come over and do some work in the yard, and always loved showing me what she did). The last time she was over is when she told me she had lung cancer. This home is forever tainted with what would turn out to be a memory of the most difficult thing I'll ever have to experience.
Losing a parent isn't something I've dealt with so I can't imagine the pain you're experiencing right now.
But one thing I must say, cherish the time you have left with her. Spend as much time as you can with her.
This home is forever tainted with what would turn out to be a memory of the most difficult thing I'll ever have to experience.
I can definitely tell you that memory will fade and the better ones of how she enjoyed to landscape and other pleasant things will definitely win out over time. Might take a while, but they will.
Like Paul said, cherish what time is left as best you can. Lots of it will be tough, but the moments of clarity will be worthwhile for both of you.
Lost my father in law last year and my oldest sister several years ago. It's going to suck. And time doesn't heal jack shit, it just sucks less every year. But the sun will still rise and set. You guys will figure out what to do, because that's just what you do.
Feel free to get at me on Facebook if you need anything (or I'll give you my cell number there). Sorry that this didn't end up with a better outcome for you.